life fuckin sucks right now!!!! all i wanna fucking do is sleep. but NOOOOOOO! there's an asshole down below that wont let me. now its just at the point where im just so fucking angry. fuuuuuuuuck! why cant i sleep! i want to SLEEEEEEEEP!!! its not like i wanna go rob a fucking bank. i just want to sleep! at night! not when the fucking sun comes up. i hate staying up so fucking late that i go to sleep at 9 in the morning. then i sleep my whole fucking day away. when i can be doing better things. im fucking sleeping til everyone gets home. that is not a healthy way to fucking live. all i wanna do is sleep. i keep praying for it. but i just cant. and now i cant stop crying. i cant stop being angry. and i cant stop thinking about all the bad thoughts. and i hate how this is affecting my body. i feel like SHIT! my head hurts. my eyes hurt. i have no energy. my body keeps shutting down every 5 fucking minutes. this is TORTURE! i hate myself. i dont even know whats wrong with me. i keep looking at the time. and i just want to punch myself in the face. i wanna slam my head against the wall. i wanna stick pins into my arms. im so fucking miserable! and im sick of crying. im sick of feeling the way i do. and i hate not having calvin here )': he needs to be here! i wish he didnt leave. i wish he could have spent the night. i wish he would talk to me like how he used to. when i would say something and he would laugh. when we could talk for hours and not run out of things to talk about. thats all i think about now. how he yells. or he talks in such a tone that makes me feel like shit. like he doesnt want to talk to me or he's really annoyed of me. everytime i say something its like it doesnt makes sense to him and he thinks im retarded. when did i ever make sense? i never made sense.... that was what made it so funny. i hate the dark. i hate the silent phone calls. i hate being trapped in this fucking room. and i hate still having unfinished business with tommy. i need my fucking stuff back so i can just move the fuck on. i dont wanna have to think about talking to him. but right now i do cuz i need my fucking stuff. and once i get it, i wont have to talk to that asshole ever again. i fucking hate this right now. i want my stuff back from tommy. i want things with calvin to be like how it was in the beginning. and i wanna be able to fuckin sleep again.
i blame you calvin! you make me need you so badly. then you go away without talking to me for days leaving me here to go insane. then you start acting weird. you act as if you dont want to talk to me. all we do is sleep, or watch tv, and have long silent phone conversations. even when im with you im still craving to be with you. i have to compete with a television for your attention. and i understand the whole anti PDA shit. cuz i dont like PDA myself. but when we're in jrp, you act as is im no more to you than anyoneother person there. you dont sit near me, you dont talk to me, you dont even look at me. dianna has to force you to sit next to me. you sit across the room in singing class. and i have to force you to talk to me. almost as if your embarrassed of me or you just dont fuckin like me enough to talk to me in public. you say you dont like the whole lovey dovey shit. but you've just gone straight for the "i dont give a shit about her" zone. why do you think i keep hitting you most there? i want you to wake the fuck up and realize im screaming for a little attention. and fighting for someone's attention is so out of my character.
i miss howeverything was in the beginning. like the first time you started calling me. we had so much to talk about. or when your face would light up everytime you saw me. you were always so happy around me. but now we're like that old married couple that are just so used to each other that they dont need things like long conversations and lit up faces to show their love for one another. but i dont wanna be that yet. our relationship is still so young and yet we're already in a rut. stuck in the same boring old routine. the conversations went dull. and the light in your face went dim. where's the excitement? the romance? the spontaniousity? where is the fun and youthness of our relationship? i keep leaving you long ass comments exposing my deepest and truest feelings for you and you never return the favor. and i always feel like there is something on your mind that your not telling me. maybe im wrong, maybe im right. but if i am wrong, then you need to have a serious talk with your face cuz its expressing the wrong message. i miss the closeness and the connection we had. i feel we're so distant now. i dont even know what your thinking.
if you read this.... your probably gonna think in crazy and ask for an explaination. your gona ask me to elaborate on all of these thoughts. sorry hun, but thats as explanitory as i am gonna get. this is everything im feeling and now its your turn. you never tell me how you feel. i dont care if "men dont talk about their feelings" if you love me then you would. cuz im here spilling my retarded heart out and it would just kill me if you dont do the same. i need you here. i need you to lay in this bed with me and hold me til i fell asleep. cuz when you were here a couple of hours ago..... it felt like time stood still and everything was perfect. it was almost as if you were that old calvin that was just so smitten and did cute and adorable things. im sure it sounds like i dont give you enough credit. but i do. i thinkso highly of you and i love you so much! i love you so much, it hurts. and there are times i see the old calvin. like when you surprise me with your visits or you some rushing here whenever one of my fake as friends were being complete assholes. your there for me. and im still so thankful for having you in my life. my feelings for you have only grown stonger. but i feel like your love for me is not quite fading, but your starting to grow disinterested in me. and it got me to thinking about what danny told me a long time ago. when your with a girl, you fall completely and madly in love with her, she's your perfect dream girl. then you start to notice something about her that bugs the shit out of you. then your not into her anymore. as i pondered on this, i thought of how there's a million things wrong with me. and maybe you are just so tired of me. i remember the first time you sang to me.... it started out as a joke and but you did it anyway. just knowing that you sang that song just for me made me feel so special and i really loved it. i remember the first time i completely opened myself up to you. i told you i wanted to be with you. and we were focusing on taking things slow. then you called me so worried cuz i told you "we needed to talk". i told you i was scared of being with you cuz i didnt want to be like all those other girls danny told me about. and i was afraid of getting my heart broken. i heard that really hurts. i wouldnt know and i dont want to know. and you said in the most sincerest voice that you didnt want to break my heart. i dont know what it was but just the way your voice sounded made me fall in love with you. the way you sounded that day when we talked on the phone made me week at the knees and it was that day that i realized you would be my first real love and that it would be you who i would give my heart fully to. and when you came back to my house in the middle of the night on june 5th made me fall more in love with you. the way you came to be by my side in my time of depair made me see you in such a way that i still cant describe. that was the night of our first kiss. and it was the perfect moment. it was one of those kisses everyone talks about. the fireworks, the butterflies, the little cupids playing the sweetest symphony. that morning when i woke up i was completely miserable. i didnt want to go to prom. i wanted to stay in bed and stay miserable. but you came over early morning, laid in bed with me, then talked me into going out. spending the say with you and your friends was probably one of the most funnest experiences of my life. thinking back... you were the cutest thing on earth. when we first started talking on myspace.... then texting.... then phone calls.... then visits.... and here we are..... its only been about 3 months since the starting line. but its been the best 3 months of my life and im so thankful that God has blessed me with those 3 months. and i still thank Him everyday for having you. since that memorial weekend, i've been thanking Him for blessing me with such a wonderful person. i just wish the old you would come out to play more often. i dont wanna be in this rut. i want the excitement and the romance and the spontaniousity. i love you calvin. i love you more than anything in this world and i would do anything for you. dont ever forget that. you are the love of my life. i am in love with you and i want to spend the rest of my life i with you. you are my world, my happiness, and my everything.
i hate crying. i hate being angry.
i want to get better.
i want to be happy.
and i want to sleep so i can get better and be happy.
i fucking hate this!
