more things to look forward to!

[dec25] christmas!! (check)
[dec27] christmas sunday (check)
[jan1] the new year (check)
[jan5] danny's birthday [: (check)
[jan8-10] winter retreat [check]
[jan18] getting the braces off!


so much more to come!

things are looking up.

i know its been a roller coaster
-___________-


later today:
work.work.work
yogurtland with danny
setting up the church for tonight

tonight:
service
dinner
presentation
clean up
hang out [:

saturday:
cousins all day! :D

sunday:
church!


im so excited!!!
XD

fuck.

still hurts.

iloveyou.

i want to be with you more than anything.
but youre too busy having fun with your new life without me.
you kept feeding me bullshit about how you still love me
and one day we'll be together.
lies.

focusing on the positive....

things that make me happy:

- FAMILY<333
- FRIENDS<333
- CHURCH<333
- knowing that God is always with me

- warm blankets fresh out of the dryer on a cold winter day
- updating my look
- changes of scenery
- playing guitar
- finding a comfortable position when relaxing
- snuggies!
- drinking green tea at the perfect temperature
- days when the weather is not too hot or not too cold
- wearing dresses and heels [:
- singing songs with funny accents
- talking in funny accents
- dancing around the room
- hearing people tell me im pretty/cute/beautiful XD
- making weird faces with a keyboard [: XD :P ^_^
- putting makeup on and having time to do your hair without rushing
- cute necklaces
- photo shoots!
- watching youtube videos
- IMing with people
- Vchatting [:
- cleaning out my room ridding myself with useless junk that i dont need
- reminiscing whilst cleaning out my room [:
- all nighters on the phone
- that time in the morning RIGHT before the sun comes up
- spending time with that one special person<3
- eating pho and drinking a taro from boba loca :9
- reading magazines or a good book
- that feeling of relaxation you get right after waking up from a nice nap!
- feeling like a celebrity
- knowing that you look pretty darn good today :D
- lying in an ocean of plushies with your best friend [:
- taking funny and/or gross pictures at IKEA
- making videos
- feeling youthfully mature [:
- doodling
- dancing and singing in the car with people
- being in love<3333

the way that i loved you.....

Everything’s cool, yeah
It’s all gonna be okay, yeah
And I know,
Maybe I’ll leave and
laugh about it someday

But not today, no
Cause I don’t feel so good
I’m tangled up inside
My heart is on my sleeve
Tomorrow is a mystery to me

(Chorus)
And it might be wonderful
It might be magical
It might be everything I’ve waited for,
A miracle
Oh, but even if I fall in love again
with someone new
It could never be the way I loved you

Letting you go is
making me feel so cold, yeah
And I’ve been trying to make
believe it doesn’t hurt

But that makes it worse, yeah
See, I’m a wreck inside
My tongue is tied and my
whole body feels so weak
The future may be all I really need

(Chorus)
And it might be wonderful, yeah
It might be magical
It might be everything I’ve waited for,
A miracle
Oh, but even if I fall in love again
with someone else
It could never be the way I loved you

Like a first love,
the one and only true love
wasn’t directly all over my taste, yeah
I loved you like you loved me
Like something pure and holy
Like something that can never be replaced

And it was wonderful,
It was magical,
It was everything I’ve waited for,
A miracle
And if I should ever fall in love again
with someone new
Oh, It could never be the way
No, It will never be the way
I loved you

sometimes i wonder if youre reading this.... and i wonder if maybe one day we'll be together again....
and when youre ready to be in a relationship.... i hope im the first person who comes to mind
i love you.

nevermind....

you gave up...
-_-

im probably really stupid
but im still hoping we'll get back together
:/

i love you.

rewind.

"never give up on someone you cant go a day without thinking about"

im not giving up.
but i think you are.
i just wish we could go back to summer.
when you looked at me with those loving eyes.
when you held me and told me everything will be okay.
when you called.
when you werent thinking about breaking up with me.
when all you wanted to do was be with me.
when we laughed and smiled a lot.
when i meant something to you.

even if you do decide to still be with me.
we'll never be the same.
i can never feel the same way about you.
i can never feel as safe with you as i did.

i cant take back all those nights i cried myself to sleep.
or all the days i havent eaten because i was too upset to get out of bed.
and you cant take back this heartache.

finding myself

A;; auld dubliner, arizona green tea, amorous, ACTING<3, attention whore, affection
B;; ballet, bracelets, BOOTS! bags, bullheads, baking
C;; CALVIN, cupcakes, candy, choco marshy upgrade, cartoons, converse, cuddling, church
D;; dreams, DANCING, dumplings, dorky
E;; enV touch, emotional, eye liner, excitement, encouragement
F;; FAITH, fireplaces, fresh laundry, flowers, fuity scents, FOOD!! facebook, FML, family
G;; GOD, guitar, giggling, gladiator sandals
H;; hello kitty, hyper, horchata, hello pandas :9, hearts, HIMYM
I;; ice cream, insomnia, inspiration
J;; jealous, jumpy, jennie :P, jack in the box, jason mraz, japanese music and style
K;; korean food!!! korean music, KOREAN MEN ;]
L;; LOVE, lindt's swiss chocolate, lame :P, lucky charms marshmallows, lazy days
M;; muffin, music, movies, making loud and random noises, mascara, MLIA
N;; nestea, nice, nervousness, nuturing, naps
O;; optimistic? usually -_- over-sized sunglasses, over-sized cardigans, outdoor activities
P;; panda express, pillows! peace signs, pupusas, passenger seat, PHO! pajamas, productive days
Q;; quiet, quirky, quality time at home
R;; random, ROMANCE, relaxing, reassurance, ROFLing
S;; SUNSETS, shy, singing, silly, stephen speaks SASQUATCH!!, skinny jeans, socks! spaztic! snickerdoodles
T;; taylor swift, tears, twitter, THE SINS<3
U;; uber dork!, uggs
V;; vests, v-necks, volumized hair
W;; white tank tops, warm weather, walks on the beach, warm blankets
X;; x-rays?!
Y;; yoo-hoo, yorkies, youtube, young
Z;; zoos?!

fraaack.

whenever im about to give up....
he surprises me with his sweet actions...


and im hooked again.
but this time it wasnt prince charming.....


it was calvin park
[:


i l o v e y o u !
<3

dear mother nature...

please take my period away?





please!
):

mother nature can suck it twice :P

hello jealousy....
im so NOT glad to see you.



-____________-

the first kiss

stuck in bed with the cramps.
eating snickerdoodles.
watching the ashlee simpson show.


thinking about the excitement of the first kiss<3

surprise romantic date for two?

i wouldnt mind.
[;

hello beautiful.....

let me just start off with this....
you mean the world to me<3
youre my first thought when i wake up in the morning and youre the last voice i hear when i go to sleep. i miss you every second your not with me and youre always on my mind. your so cute when you move around in your sleep. i love it when you put your arms around me when im cold. i love it when your bring your face closer to mine so that our noses touch. i love it when you dance in my room.... i wish i were able to dance with you =/ i love taking photo booth pictures when we go on dates [: i love how your always there when i need you. and i really love how you put up with me and my craziness. when im bored in class.... i doodle your name everywhere and draw little cartoons of you. whenever i hear a love song, i think of you. apprently i cant go 2 minutes without mentioning your name. i love how im in the library writing this blog about you when i should be studying :P i love how you dothe most weirdest and silliest things [:


i just love you!
<333333


[to be continued.... i have to go to class]

Dear God.....

Please loving Lord...
have mercy on me.


let all of this suffering pass....
please!


i love You<3

Lord, what is wrong with me?

my insecurities are getting the best of my again.
why?
i dont know......
i think i just might cry.



God, expect a ring
im in need of another one of our late night phone calls.

you are different than the rest.....

JUSTIN::
one day, he finds out i like him. than the next day he comes up to me and says, "so..... do you wanna try it?" and apparently that made us boyfriend and girlfriend. 6 months go by..... its awesome! fast forward to our one year anniversary..... "sorry babe, i cant make it today. im busy." -____________________- new found glory said it best, "and its all down hill from here....." months go by.... where's justin? i have no idea...... i didnt have the funds to see my own boyfriend. bye bye justin.


MATT::
new text message..... "i guess we're together now" again.... head over heels. not even 2 months....
hello mysterious blonde girl....... hi megan....... hi megan again.......
wow.... megan sure does show up a lot...... bye matt........ hello matt's new girlfriend....... megan -_____________-


TOMMY::
tommy says, "my girlfriend broke up with me )':" awwwww im sorry.
hug......hug.......hug......hug.......kiss......kiss.......kissing......sleepovers.......late night phone calls
"we're going to go to college together, your going to live with me and i'll cook or you and take care of you."
i love you...... i miss you....... <<<<<<<3
i wasnt even your girlfriend..... not even close -__________________-
VVVVVVVVVV
VVVVVVV
VVVV
VV
V

"between all the smiles and laughs,
the fights and tears,
the fun adventures and trips,
the sleepovers and late night phone calls,
i fell in love".........
WITH SOMEONE ELSE! :P


which brings us to........




CALVIN!!!
all those times tommy "forgot" to call. all those times tommy got mad at me for texting you. all those times you were there for me when tommy wasnt. that time you picked me up in kraproom because you missed me. you were there for me the night tommy broke up with me. you were there for me whenever i needed you. you still are there for me. you told me you didnt want to break my heart. you always reassured me when i let my insecurities get the best of me. you were the first and only one to make thefirst day of our relationship special. you made the effort to make it special. and special indeed it was<3
the romantic dinner..... sunset on the beach....... stroll around the promenade.......
and since then i've fallen more and more in love with you.......
you are different.
my love
my prince charming
my muffin<3



i l o v e y o u !
forever&&always
<33333333

craaaaap!

i looked at the clock at 2:45 thinking it was 3:45....
after i realized my mistake.....
the shortest hour and a half of my life
turned into the longest hour and a half of my life



F M L !



hahahaha
but im still smiling [:

oh shizzzzz!

i have to go poopie!!!
)))))))):


but there is a blocking force in the shape of
a calvin park that is preventing me to do so :P



now we play.......
the waiting game [;

hello prince charming....

welcome back!
once again, you've come to my rescue
and nothing can make me happier [:



your trying.
i see it.
and thats all i need<3



i l o v e y o u !
forever&& always
<33333333

i love you.

i dont like being away from you
i dont like always wondering what your up to
i hate having to hang up the phone at night
i love your good morning texts
i love how you stay with me when im in tears
i miss that time you drove all the way back here just because i called you crying
i miss that other time you drove all the way to kraproom just to pick me up
i miss how exciting it was just being with you
i miss how you always made time for me
i remember when you called me for the first time
i remember how you just called cuz you wanted to hear me talk like a fumbled retard
i remember the time you told me you never want to break my heart
i dont like the fact that we can only see each other on the weekends
i hate the fact that we will be in jrp on the weekends
and you cant even hug me, let alone talk to me when we're there
i love how you can calm me down when im angry at you
i miss it when you texted me when your team won a game
or when you texted me for anything for that matter
i miss it when you told me i cheered you up when your team lost
i miss when you dropped everything just to see me
i hate it when i feel like you dont care about me
i hate crying myself to sleep at night
i remember when i was so sure you were different
now im praying that your different
i remember you would rush here if i needed you to, no matter what
now you just say your sorry, and you would come if you could


what happened?
what happened to the old calvin that did all those things?
the calvin that made me feel so special.
the one who always wanted to have his arm around me
and said he didnt care who sees
the one who would just look at me and smile**
the one who always sang for me
and dedicated songs for me
the calvin who treated me like a princess, who would open the car door for me
and who would always come to my rescue.
i guess all that stuff really is for fairytales.



** you looked at me like that on sunday. but its been so long and i forgot what it felt like that i just got all awkward.
but i miss you looking at me like that. it almost felt like we were in a music video for passenger seat.

it made me happy that you sung that song in class. but would it honestly kill you if you said you were singing it for me? would it be so bad if you acknowledged our relationship in jrp?



and im that stupid girl still wishing for her prince charming
even after acknowledging the fact,
im still praying for my prince charming
he's somewhere inside of you.


i love you.

day 4

b a b y ! :D
day 4 is pretty much OVER!!!
which means....... YOUR COMING HOME TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!! ahhh im so excited!! although i most likely wont be able to see you ): but im going to see you this saturday!! i've missed you sooooooooooooooo much! i thought about you constantly. i had a dream to day that you came home and i was sooooo happy and i started crying cuz i was finally able to see you but then i woke up -______________- and i cried. cuz i was so happy but it was a dream so it kinda felt like you left me twice this week =/ anyway. i should probably try to go to bed early tonight since im going to have to wake up early for disneyland. it breaks my heart knowing that your not going to be with me tomorrow. hopefully you will join us tomorrow when you get back. although you will be really tired so i dont know =/ i still hope i have fun tomorrow. and i promise i will try to take you another day. i want to go with you!

ohmygosh. i woke up soooooo late today and the day still felt so long. i just wanna wake up. pass the time with disneyland and then wake up on saturday to be with you. it always gets so frustrating torwards the end. i dont know why. i've been looking at fail blog a lot. and ohmygosh its so funny. hahahaha! i miss you so much and i hope you wont be going away anymore. i really dont like you being even further away from me ): im hanging out with danny tomorrow so at least i wont be going crazy out of my mind waiting for you to come home. and i'll be near downey so hopefully you wont be too tired to meet me at disneyland.


not much to report about my day. i woke up at 6:30 pm -________- ate food. and spent the rest of my day with my computer. oh yea...... update on my mirror drawings..... apparently i used a permanent marker and........ -_______FAIL______- it wont come off! and um...... well, there's nothing much to say. thats all i did today. blah. i hate that i slept all day today. cuz i dont know if i'll be able to get some sleep tonight ): im going to try. so um....... im hungry again. so im going to go eat now. bye baby!


i miss you soooooo much!
and im so happy your coming home tomorrow!



i l o v e y o u !
forever&always
<33333333333

day 3

s i n w o o b i n o o !
here we are..... day three of your absence.... and let me tell you, this has been the looooooongest 3 days of my life. andy said i just have to wait 2 more days. but i dont want to ): hmmmmm how did i spend my day? ummmmm........ BEING A NERD!!!!
started off my day by being woken up by the daniel beast!! :O
i took apart stuff just to put it back together.
drew anime characters all over my mirrors with dry erase markers.
looked up how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop [763]
helped my brother wash his car
looked up disney urban legends O.o
watch some of your narutiotjrgj;ralg stuff that you like so much haha
danced like a maniac [high five!]
gagged myself until i almost threw up -______-
watced how i met your mother
watch random videos about expresso latte art
watch different random videos of really cool techonology
"technology of the future....... today! *echo: ay ay ay ay ay*"
jumped on my bed til i hit my head on my ceiling fan T.T
got a tattoo :D


and now im sitting on my bed
im not tired at all ):
again.....
STOP LEAVING!!!!
im being deprived of sleep and ITS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!! hahaha


well..... i guess thats it sooooo.....
good night baby!
i hope your being safe
your in my prayers (:
and i miss you soooooooooooooooo much!!!!!!!



i l o v e y o u !
forever&&always
<333333333333

day 2

good morning baby!!!!
or at least it would be if it were actually morning and not 11 o clock at night haha. so i had a good day today [high five!] i thought it was going to be a boring day, but my brother took me to GCC to take my assessment. and it reminded me of how much i hate taking tests! ugh! and im not even done -______- i still have to take the math part and meet with the councelor. we were gonna do that today but the line was soooooooooooooo long!!!!! haha apparently i dont have much patience lol. and then my brother took us to mcdonalds which was actually really fun. im gonna like going to GCC. there's a mcdonalds, coffee bean, and pizza place (: all within walking distance. so if my brother ever lags it.... i'll have something to do [two thumbs up!] then i went home and sung my little heart out and danced like a crazy maniac hahaha. its been a fun day. i was out of bed, i got things accomplished, and i even worked out a little bit! :O whaaaaa?! jennie worked out?!?! yes!!!! haha i dont know why. i just felt like it. im sick of my love handles >.< then i watched stuff on youtube and i might be heading off to bed soon. well thats pretty much it for now....


before i forget. i finally get to enroll into my classes tomorrow! :D
and im going to be in the next musical hopefully and the winter and spring dance show!
im really excited!!!


what im most excited about.......
YOU COMING HOME!!!!! :D
i miss you sooooooooooooooooooo much!
and i cant wait to be back in your arms and smother you with kisses! haha
and please dont leave me again. i couldnt take it if you went away again.



i love you sooooooo much!
f o r e v e r && a l w a y s
<3333333333

another day 1 =/

hi baby!!!
your gone.....
again -____________-
i really really dont like you being gone all the time
but jaynie said i need to get used to it
cuz we're gonna be famous one day
and we're going to be going off to who knows where doing movies
and tv shows and whatever else we would be doing
as much as that scares me.... im really excited
she said we're GOING to be famous (:
not IF we are.... we just are.


but for now. your gone. and its sucks. im actually jealous of you. you get to go off on these adventures, learning new things and discovering yourself and strengthening your relationship with God. and im just at home.... doing nothing. i hate doing nothing. im so sick of just staying at home day dreaming of being rescued and wisked away and off to do something exciting and go places. i think thats where we differ. your always having adventures without me. i want to share experiences with you. i may be needy or clingy or whatever. and i hate that you always tell me we have to be apart. i want you to be the one to tell me that in the future, we're gonna go on all these exciting adventures together. i wish you would just focus on the being together part. and yet, your always reminding me that you want your seperate life. which makes me wonder if you really wanna be with me........... i really hate it when you go away. it always makes me think negatively and it depresses me.

now im actually begging you. please stop going away. and really think about what i just said.
cuz you know im never going to tell you this in person. this is the only way i can tell you how im really feeling
when im upset. generally, i just hate thinking this way. cuz your an amazing boyfriend and you do everything for me.
but i miss how we were in the beginning when it was exciting and you were so romantic and spontaneous and you surprised me with all those unforgettable dates. and you were always telling me about all the fun stuff we were gonna do together.


i know you dont like it when i go outside at night
but im going for a walk.


i love you calvin
and i hope your having an awesome time.
and i know i probably sound like a douche
but i hope this blog makes you feel bad.
cuz right now im miserable as hell and i feel like shit.



i m i s s y o u !
<333333333

sudden craving for chocolate and romance......

dream date (:


- early morning pick up
- AM dose of starbucks
- spend the day at the getty (:
full of conversations and topics that go on for days
- head down the 405 to santa monica
- picnic on the beach
- watch the sunset (:
- long walk along the shore
- bring an extra sweater just for me (:
- end it with a perfect good night kiss


the perfect way to spend the day
and i would let you take pictures (;
<3>

krutons and apple sauce......

so a couple nights ago when i couldnt sleep
i recovered one of my old blogs of mine
i wrote it when i was single and it describes my dream boyfriend......
and here we are a year later and i still want the same thing
i guess some things never change;;


- playful wrestles
- hand holding
- matching clothes [hahahaha :P]
- walking with his arm around her
- opening car doors and pulling out chairs (:
- carrying purses
- helping her out of the car or out of her seat
- kisses on the cheek or forehead
- kisses on the hand
- kisses on the forehead while walking (:
- piggy back rides (:
- random texts
- surprises
- love notes :P
- protective boyfriend (:



someone who will....
- bring you soup when your sick
- puts their arm around you when your cold
- show their affection for you in front of friends
- look at you with genuine loving eyes and think your the most amazing thing on earth
- break you out of your shell
- someone who you can be playful with
- be spontaneous and romantic
- make you feel special
- tell you about their day
- plan the perfect date with lots care and consideration
- will tell you whats on their mind
- someone who is not afraid to tell you how they feel about you
- say something other than 'i love you' and 'your amazing'
- say, "its cute how you....." i like the way you....." etc....
- treat you like a princess
- someone who wont make you feel bad about yourself



yea. i like those cheesy couple stuff. like the ones in those taylor swift videos.
i think its cute and i would love a boyfriend like this.
(:

day 3

hi baby! :D
i hope you've been having fun
cuz surprisingly i have been (:
i've been hanging out with my brother and sister
watching movies, eating my weight in junk food
the usual
today was kind of unproductive but its okay
i slept in for the first time in days (:
and i found out some exciting news....
- there's gonna be a meteor shower tonight!
- my tatay's coming home!!!!!! [grandpa]
dont be afraid, i promise he doesnt bite (:
actually, you'll be gone so it doesnt matter lol
there wont be a list of what i did today
cuz i kinda already told you
yea.... nothing really happened
but tomorrow will be productive (:
i really miss you and i cant wait til you come home
i dont even know when you get back -______-
because SOMEONE never tells me anything ):
my lip hurts and i have no idea why


but um..... im so excited to see my grandpa!!! :D
i love him so much! and he's gonna love you (:
so right now im watching tv..... there's nothing on really
im watching this show i've never heard of
and it makes me wanna learn how to play basketball haha
we should play one day..... or you should teach me how to play volleyball
for some reason, i just wanna go outside and do something
but no soccer, baseball, or golf :P haha
or you and i should go play tennis!!
but let me tell you now....... im REALLY bad at sports
like REEEEAAAALLLLLYYYYY bad
i want us to be one of those fun couples.....
but your gonna have to make me fun.... cuz we both know how boring i am =/
oh i made myself all low self esteem-ish again ):
i miss you!!!!<33333


well.... im gonna eat now cuz its like 10:30
and im hungry haha
good night baby! :D


i l o v e y o u !
<333333333
[forever&always]

day 2

happy monday!!!!! :D
yes, who knew monday would make me smile lol
it is DAY 2 of your trip and i must say
i wasnt at home miserable all day!!! YAY!!! :D
now its time for.....
MONDAY RE-CAP!

today i;;
- woke up and took a shower
- went to the dreaded D M V [dun dun duuuuuun!]
- took my test for the THIRD time -_____-
- got my period -___________________________________-
- P A S S E D !!!!! :D :D :D :D
[i kinda called you already haha]
- did a little victory dance aha!
- went home thinking i was gonna take a nap
- surprised by my brother's maturity
- my brother created my school schedule
[i'll be in school longer than i wanted, but its okay]
- finally went to GCC and am now officially enrolled (:
- got cramps so bad i passed out ):
- went home again to take a nap for real
- dentist time -_________-
- pain.pain.pain
- my rubberbands are blue now
[cuz its your favorite color<3]
- got home again and ate dumplings!
y u m m y ! :9
- now im resting in bed



sucks that i couldnt go to jrp today
but i dont mind
CUZ I HAD A GOOOOOOD DAY! ^_^
ryan didnt go either
but im gonna go finish himym so........
B Y E !
i hope your having a lot of fun
and your being careful
and i hope your missing me (:


i l o v e y o u d e a r !
<33333333
[forever&&always]

day 1

so calvin..... here we are
in blogger....... ummmmm
hi? hahaha awkward.................
*awkward silence*
hahaha just kidding
so im going to keep you updated here
cuz i know by the time you get back, im gonna forget
cuz thats what i do -_____________-
i just finished studying and i took every practice test i could find
i only missed 1 question per test [high five!]
i hope it pays off. i'll be really disappointed if i fail again.]

sooooooo lets talk about my day:::
- woke up and called you so you can pack
- took a shower and re punctured my scab until it bled. gross
- got ready and left for jrp
- watched how i met your mother for 2 HOURS!!!! O.o
- sang more songs but felt better about it
- dianna is a douche
- hung out with kevin
- OMG FACTOR!!!! kerry got fired D:
- did a scene with kevin and it turned out AWESOME!!
- i memorized my lines in 15 minutes! :D
[we went over it in the hallway a bunch of times before debra got into class]
- waited for my parents to pick me up
[they were late. no surprise]
- went to fry's and got hello kitty headphones and..... wait for it....
THE DEMI LOVATO CD!!!!!! ^_^
- went home and listened the the most awesomest songs ever!!!
- ate panda express
- cleaned for 32468726524 hours ):
- collapsed into bed
- watched movies on tv
- wrote you a very long comment
- late night snack
- this
and throughout all of this excitement
i've been studying every free minute i had

and now im about to go to bed
so this was a sum up of my day
you can ask for more details later
cuz right now im too tired to specify

I LOVE YOU BABY AND I MISS YOU SOOOOOOO MUCH!!!
i cant wait until you come back to me (:
which reminds me of something i have to tell you
which i think you will find funny
because i found it HILARIOUS! :D

in case i forget....
just remind me its about "wedding presents"
hahahaha ;]


oooooooh taaaaaay!
good night my dearest calvin
sweet dreams
your in my prayers (:


forever and always<3

i know its crazy but.....

you keep me up late at night
hiding under the covers with my insecurities
i've cried over you
i've gotten angry because of you
and there were those times i didnt feel good enough


but at the same time
you are the only one who can lift my spirits
you put the smile on my face
you fill my stomach with butterflies
you know EVERYTHING about me
[which you have proved to me recently]
you always know when something's wrong
even through a text message


there are times when i wish you would just loosen up
and laugh a little
when were at JRP, im dying inside
just hoping you would put your arm around me
or show just a little affection towards me
and you always look at me like im crazy


but when we're alone
and a conversation strikes up
it goes on for hours and im laughing til im sore in the gut
when you call
i get into giddy little school girl mode
as if i had a secret crush on you
but its nor secret, my dear (:


moral of the story;;
you drive me crazy
and you confuse the crap out of me
i go through a roller coaster of emotions with you
but at the end of the day



i l o v e y o u c a l v i n p a r k !
<33333333

longest blog known to man

life fuckin sucks right now!!!! all i wanna fucking do is sleep. but NOOOOOOO! there's an asshole down below that wont let me. now its just at the point where im just so fucking angry. fuuuuuuuuck! why cant i sleep! i want to SLEEEEEEEEP!!! its not like i wanna go rob a fucking bank. i just want to sleep! at night! not when the fucking sun comes up. i hate staying up so fucking late that i go to sleep at 9 in the morning. then i sleep my whole fucking day away. when i can be doing better things. im fucking sleeping til everyone gets home. that is not a healthy way to fucking live. all i wanna do is sleep. i keep praying for it. but i just cant. and now i cant stop crying. i cant stop being angry. and i cant stop thinking about all the bad thoughts. and i hate how this is affecting my body. i feel like SHIT! my head hurts. my eyes hurt. i have no energy. my body keeps shutting down every 5 fucking minutes. this is TORTURE! i hate myself. i dont even know whats wrong with me. i keep looking at the time. and i just want to punch myself in the face. i wanna slam my head against the wall. i wanna stick pins into my arms. im so fucking miserable! and im sick of crying. im sick of feeling the way i do. and i hate not having calvin here )': he needs to be here! i wish he didnt leave. i wish he could have spent the night. i wish he would talk to me like how he used to. when i would say something and he would laugh. when we could talk for hours and not run out of things to talk about. thats all i think about now. how he yells. or he talks in such a tone that makes me feel like shit. like he doesnt want to talk to me or he's really annoyed of me. everytime i say something its like it doesnt makes sense to him and he thinks im retarded. when did i ever make sense? i never made sense.... that was what made it so funny. i hate the dark. i hate the silent phone calls. i hate being trapped in this fucking room. and i hate still having unfinished business with tommy. i need my fucking stuff back so i can just move the fuck on. i dont wanna have to think about talking to him. but right now i do cuz i need my fucking stuff. and once i get it, i wont have to talk to that asshole ever again. i fucking hate this right now. i want my stuff back from tommy. i want things with calvin to be like how it was in the beginning. and i wanna be able to fuckin sleep again.



i blame you calvin! you make me need you so badly. then you go away without talking to me for days leaving me here to go insane. then you start acting weird. you act as if you dont want to talk to me. all we do is sleep, or watch tv, and have long silent phone conversations. even when im with you im still craving to be with you. i have to compete with a television for your attention. and i understand the whole anti PDA shit. cuz i dont like PDA myself. but when we're in jrp, you act as is im no more to you than anyoneother person there. you dont sit near me, you dont talk to me, you dont even look at me. dianna has to force you to sit next to me. you sit across the room in singing class. and i have to force you to talk to me. almost as if your embarrassed of me or you just dont fuckin like me enough to talk to me in public. you say you dont like the whole lovey dovey shit. but you've just gone straight for the "i dont give a shit about her" zone. why do you think i keep hitting you most there? i want you to wake the fuck up and realize im screaming for a little attention. and fighting for someone's attention is so out of my character.


i miss howeverything was in the beginning. like the first time you started calling me. we had so much to talk about. or when your face would light up everytime you saw me. you were always so happy around me. but now we're like that old married couple that are just so used to each other that they dont need things like long conversations and lit up faces to show their love for one another. but i dont wanna be that yet. our relationship is still so young and yet we're already in a rut. stuck in the same boring old routine. the conversations went dull. and the light in your face went dim. where's the excitement? the romance? the spontaniousity? where is the fun and youthness of our relationship? i keep leaving you long ass comments exposing my deepest and truest feelings for you and you never return the favor. and i always feel like there is something on your mind that your not telling me. maybe im wrong, maybe im right. but if i am wrong, then you need to have a serious talk with your face cuz its expressing the wrong message. i miss the closeness and the connection we had. i feel we're so distant now. i dont even know what your thinking.


if you read this.... your probably gonna think in crazy and ask for an explaination. your gona ask me to elaborate on all of these thoughts. sorry hun, but thats as explanitory as i am gonna get. this is everything im feeling and now its your turn. you never tell me how you feel. i dont care if "men dont talk about their feelings" if you love me then you would. cuz im here spilling my retarded heart out and it would just kill me if you dont do the same. i need you here. i need you to lay in this bed with me and hold me til i fell asleep. cuz when you were here a couple of hours ago..... it felt like time stood still and everything was perfect. it was almost as if you were that old calvin that was just so smitten and did cute and adorable things. im sure it sounds like i dont give you enough credit. but i do. i thinkso highly of you and i love you so much! i love you so much, it hurts. and there are times i see the old calvin. like when you surprise me with your visits or you some rushing here whenever one of my fake as friends were being complete assholes. your there for me. and im still so thankful for having you in my life. my feelings for you have only grown stonger. but i feel like your love for me is not quite fading, but your starting to grow disinterested in me. and it got me to thinking about what danny told me a long time ago. when your with a girl, you fall completely and madly in love with her, she's your perfect dream girl. then you start to notice something about her that bugs the shit out of you. then your not into her anymore. as i pondered on this, i thought of how there's a million things wrong with me. and maybe you are just so tired of me. i remember the first time you sang to me.... it started out as a joke and but you did it anyway. just knowing that you sang that song just for me made me feel so special and i really loved it. i remember the first time i completely opened myself up to you. i told you i wanted to be with you. and we were focusing on taking things slow. then you called me so worried cuz i told you "we needed to talk". i told you i was scared of being with you cuz i didnt want to be like all those other girls danny told me about. and i was afraid of getting my heart broken. i heard that really hurts. i wouldnt know and i dont want to know. and you said in the most sincerest voice that you didnt want to break my heart. i dont know what it was but just the way your voice sounded made me fall in love with you. the way you sounded that day when we talked on the phone made me week at the knees and it was that day that i realized you would be my first real love and that it would be you who i would give my heart fully to. and when you came back to my house in the middle of the night on june 5th made me fall more in love with you. the way you came to be by my side in my time of depair made me see you in such a way that i still cant describe. that was the night of our first kiss. and it was the perfect moment. it was one of those kisses everyone talks about. the fireworks, the butterflies, the little cupids playing the sweetest symphony. that morning when i woke up i was completely miserable. i didnt want to go to prom. i wanted to stay in bed and stay miserable. but you came over early morning, laid in bed with me, then talked me into going out. spending the say with you and your friends was probably one of the most funnest experiences of my life. thinking back... you were the cutest thing on earth. when we first started talking on myspace.... then texting.... then phone calls.... then visits.... and here we are..... its only been about 3 months since the starting line. but its been the best 3 months of my life and im so thankful that God has blessed me with those 3 months. and i still thank Him everyday for having you. since that memorial weekend, i've been thanking Him for blessing me with such a wonderful person. i just wish the old you would come out to play more often. i dont wanna be in this rut. i want the excitement and the romance and the spontaniousity. i love you calvin. i love you more than anything in this world and i would do anything for you. dont ever forget that. you are the love of my life. i am in love with you and i want to spend the rest of my life i with you. you are my world, my happiness, and my everything.



i hate crying. i hate being angry.
i want to get better.
i want to be happy.
and i want to sleep so i can get better and be happy.
i fucking hate this!

mixed emotions and a barrel or ice cream.

i just watched the new hannah montana episode thats supposed to premiere tomorrow. who knew a disney channel show would make me think so much. i watched disney channel to keep myself from thinking too much. but i guess all of that got thrown out the window the minute i pushed play. i already felt a little uneasy before hand. but now im barfing up emoticons prior to. but i think its safe to say my heart triumphs all. who knew i would find a deeper meaning in such a shallow tween television show.



pre hannah montana;;
you said we dont talk much anymore. you miss talking to me. God knows i miss it too. i wanna go back to the time when we always had something to talk about and we never ran out of anything to say. the "getting to know each other" part was fun, cute, and exciting. i wanna get back to that.


the meaning behind hannah montana;;
miley= girl who is in love (me)
jake= guy of her dreams (you)
duh!
it sounds so simple. like a fairy tale. but this is where the complication kicks in. jesse (bad boy guitar player) represents every guy she will never get to meet. every experience she will never get to have. every lesson she will never get to learn. she made that instant connection with jake since day one. there was that chemistry and mutual understanding between them. but jesse brings about this curiosity and broadens her mind with new ideas and point of views. she was torn.
which to choose?!
jake- the one with the big heart with good intentions?
-or-
jesse- the one with the wild side who is exciting and daring?


the after math;;
i cried.
i was over-whelmed with this feeling that suddenly came over me the minute the show ended. and it was telling me something. it was then that i realized something that i have never been so sure of in my life. i am in love with sin woo [calvin] park. you are the one i want. you are the one i need. i want to spend the rest of my life with you. people are always talking about finding "the one". and you my dear...... are it. you are "the one". i dont need to be faced with a "jesse" to realize that you are perfect for me. i will never have feelings for anyone else and i dont want anyone else. you are the only one i want and there is no one on this earth that can change that.
its set in stone.......


im in love....
with calvin park (:
<33333333

o7o1o9<33

i love how i start to complain the day BEFORE the best day of my life
-__________-



lovely dinner for two
stroll around the promenade
the end of the pier the catch the sunset
fuh- REEEEEEZING!
"so i want you to be my girlfriend"
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D
feels like we're in a movie
rides // scream // laugh
heading towards the car [or at least intentionally]
crazy funny black man (:


the perfect date<3333
with my BOYFRIEND! (:
aha!

if you havent noticed.......

your cute
smart
funny
loving
caring
protective


your always making me laugh
you do anything to make me smile
your there for me when i need someone to talk to
you always know whats wrong
you believe in God(:
you give the best hugs
your kisses give me the butterflies
you do everything you can to make me happy
you treat me like a princess(:
you give me confidence and raise my self esteem
you make me wanna be a better person
you take care of me when im sick
you love me for who i am, not for who im not
i dont have to try to be anything for you to love me
i can be myself around you
you calm my nerves
you help me overcome my fears
you inspire the best songs(:
i love you more than i have every loved anyone
i wanna marry you
im falling more and more for you everyday


im in love with you
your the perfect boyfriend



but your still NOT my boyfriend
and im still just your friend
):

hello there,

im in love with you [;
<33333333

i honestly dont know what to do with myself

your gone.
well..... for two days at least.....
one day down.... one more to go......
your coming back saturday, but i still wont get to see you then
at least i can talk to you (:
i miss you like crazy.
i just dont know what to do with myself.



u p d a t e ;
its midnight right now.
cant sleep.
i feel so empty going to sleep without hearing the sound of your voice.
i sound obsessed. ugh!
but really. you are everything to me.
you are my life. so when your gone.
its like the life in me is gone with you.
im going to see my cousins today. im happy about that (:
but i still wish i can see you.
i think im going to try to go to sleep right now.
i have to wake up at 5 in the AM.
i really hope your having a good time
i also hope your taking it easy.


i love you baby.
i hope you realize, your always on my mind.
and im constantly missing you every second your not with me.
there was not a moment of my day i wasnt thinking of you.
and i hope your thinking of me too.



i l o v e y o u !
<3333333333
good night... er.... good morning!
[:

all the things i just couldnt speak

you just dont know how much you mean to me. you are my world and my everything. after going to ikea with you yesterday and you coming over in a suit, and waking up next to you today, i realized that i can picture myself being married to you and growing old with you. does that sound creepy? its just that.... we want the same things in life and i think we would be really great together. i can see you sitting on the couch on a saturday afternoon watching tv with danny and my in the kitch cooking you guys. you coming home after a long day on set and me cooking you dinner while you set the table. hopefully my career will be as successful as i know yours will be. you are an amazing actor and i know your going to make it big. i promise you [: but really is this all so creepy? i mean, we've only been together for almost a month and we're not even officially a couple. but i can honeslty see myself being married to you and maybe doing a movie together?! [; aha! one day..... i want you and i to work. and i will do whatever i can to make it work. i love you and i am very blessed to have you in my life. we really compliment each other quite nicely i think. you love all the foods i dont. [olive theory] im a very needy person and you have this thing we're you need to feel needed. and you always find a way to make me feel better. and your always rescuing me. you say im different from the other girls. and i believe you. im ready to give you all of my heart. 110% (: and i cant wait for the day you ask me to be your girlfriend. haha gah! why do i sound like such a creep?! -_________- really babe. i could go on and on about how much i love you and how i see a wonderful life with you.



i see me making breakfast in the morning while you read the newspaper. then going off to work. your a very successful actor and im an equally successful actress. then coming home every evening and making dinner together or i'll make it and you can set the table :P haha and then going to church every sunday morning then going out for coffee or tea. i can see us being a family like the ones in movies. i know you'll be an awesome dad. and a wonderful husband.



i dont know how many times i tell you how thankful i am for having you in my life. its probably getting redundant but i feel like i dont tell you enough. i feel like i dont show my appreciation enough. the only thing i know how to do is love you. i love you so much that words could not express my feelings for you. only God knows how much i love you. He has blessed me with so much. my loving family, who i am, and you&danny. danny is the bestest best friend i could ever ask for. and you my dear are all i could ever dream of. you are perfect and amazing. and i promise you i will be the best girlfriend ever. and i will do whatever i can to make you happy. because i love you baby. i really really do.

i must say this.....

i love calvin and danny
<33333





im not only saying this because they're here
and they are gonna read this the minute i get up
and leave the room
:P

changes

A is for acting<3. my purpose and true love
B is for baby. which is what he calls me(:
C is for calvin. i love him<3
D is for danny. my best friend<3
E is for electrics guitars
F is for fiyero. he's our entertainment
G is for God. He has blessed me with so much<3
H is for hello kitty. how asian >.<
I is for ice cream! choco marshy to be exact [;
J is for jonas brothers! hahaha
K is for krap nivlac<333
L is for love. my favorite feeling and word(:
M is for mommy<3
N is for new best friend(: <---- that was his idea[;
O is for oh, its love. one of my favorite song
P is for purple sunshine! my absolute favorite song<33
Q is for quinseng! cameron<3
R is for really awesome hugs(:
S is for sinwoo<3
T is for treadmills! aka that running thingy
U is for umberella experts. cuz they know what they are talking about
V is for violet sunshine(: haha the rap version of purple sunshine
W is for "where would we be now" i love this song.
X is for Xtremely awesome friends. aka calvin and danny(:
Y is for yorkies!
Z is for zach porter. cuz he can dance forever(:



i got help from calvin and danny
[:

hello there

i like getting to know people
[:

parallel universe

in this universe of mine. nothing can go wrong. nothing can hurt me. and everything is exactly the way i want them to be. its my perfect world. the world im meant to have. where your part of a loving, close nit family. your friends are REALLY your friends. lately.... ive been feeling like my parallel universe is becoming a reality. ive been spending qaulity time with my family. and i feel my acting skills growing each and everyday. this weekend has been more than perfect. nothing was wrong. in this world me and my brother get along and my mom isnt nagging about every little thing. i dont have to worry about trying to please everyone. my family is happy with what i have provided and they dont ask for more. all i need now is the friends part, the T part, and the hollywood part and my life will be far more better than i have ever imagined.

for now.... i dream of a world where family's eat breakfast at the table and melodic songs on the piano, flowers bloom these crazy colors, the weather isnt trying to kill you, and everyone is happy. there is no selfishness, or greed, no pain or suffering, no violence. just sheer bliss and understanding. compassion for others and peace. a world where life doesnt award the winner, but those who are brave enough to participate. a world where someone can walk down the street safely and you know everyone in your town. where chilvary is not dead.... where your boyfriend opens doors for you, pulls out your seat, puts their arm around you when your cold, calls you, takes you out on real dates.... and a world where girls are not sluts.... a world where no one does drugs and only drink on special occations like a glass of wine in a wedding or new year's. this is the world i long for. this is the world that is supposed to be. sometimes i wish the 50's would just make its comeback. im keeping my fingers crossed until then.

w t f !

why the fuck is it my responsiblity to make everyone happy?! everytime i focus on one friend, another one gets mad at me? its like when did it become my job to keep our friendship alive? friendship is a two way street. just because i dont tell you everything doesnt mean i have a problem. do i look like a fuckin hotel to you? i'm not here to satisfy your needs. its not my job to accomadate you! if you were really my friend you would just accept me for me. you keep telling me all these things wrong with me.... have you ever took the time to look at yourself?! there are so many things wrong with you that i could point out to you but do i?! no!! because i dont care. youre fucked up, but so am i. and i still love you. i still care for you. i still chose to be friends with you becuase we have fun together. why cant you see it like that? you claim to be so optimistic but your one of the most negative people i know! and i'm sensitive? your the one who's getting so butt hurt over nothing! you have no reason to be mad at you. you make me out to be such a horrible person.... how am i the horrbile one? im the one trying here and all you do is talk crap about me behind my back. i guess im so horrible for trying so hard. thank god school is almost over so i dont have to deal with you or any of this ever again. im so sick of your shit and me having to deal with it.

btw;; all the things you say are wrong with me and everything you say i do that is so fucked up.... you do it too.

yeeee boi....

doodles and names over written
i cant help it
cuz honey, i'm smitten
[;


its when he holds me in his arms
i feel safest
its when he says something funny
i laugh the hardest
its when he looks into my eyes with that grin on his face
i smile my biggest
its when he shows up at my house to wake me up
i feel most beautiful
its whenever i'm around him
i feel like me.
:]


my heart seems to smile
whenever i see your name on my caller ID
butterflies fill my stomach
whenever he says "i love you"
i cant help but laugh
whenever he laughs cuz its so contagious


i love how his hand always finds its way to mine
i love the way he picks me up into his arms and i just fit
i love how he eases my biggest insecurities
i love how he always surprises me right when i'm about to give up
i love how he leaves no room for second guesses.
i love him<3>

oh its that time of year again.

spring really is coming into effect this year. the trees are greener, the sun is shining. and love is floating among us. i wish to be a part of this phenomenon thats slapping smiles across those faces and filling stomach's with butterflies. its funny.... cuz i DID find that someone who makes me giggle and make me feel all those things you feel when you've fell into a big pot of puppy love. the closer i get to him the more i fall. but the more i fall, the more insecure i get. and this is the worst they have ever been. i dont want to be a rebound. i want genuine feeling and understanding. i want someone to share my life experiences with. i've been with a series or bad "relationships" one after another after another. i want just one good one. someone to make the rest of my senior year amazing! someone to make it unforgettable. cuz believe me, i'm unforgettable.


so lets embrace this influential season and the power of life and lets enjoy life yes?!
haha! everyone deserves love and i hope you all find that someone special.
so smile darling. we're gonna be okay....
<3




author's note;; what can i say? this seaon really gets to me. it makes me happy. and it should make you happy too.
:]

i'm that girl.....

i'm the girl who likes to wear dresses
but would rather rock chucks than heels
i'm the girl who raises her hand to answer a question in class
but just gets up and leave to go to the bathroom
i'm the girl who who's a total girlie girl
but a tom boy at heart
i'm the girl who can ride a roller coaster at 500 feet
but cant stand on a stool
i'm the girl who tries to look pretty
but always ends up in a t- shirt and jeans
i'm the girl who craves adventure
but finds herself sitting at home
i'm the girl who loves coloring books
but scribbles outside the lines
i'm the girl who believes everything she's told
but skeptical when it involves her heart
i'm the girl who thinks earmuffs are cool
but cuts the sleeves off of sweaters
i'm the girl who sees the beauty in everything
but cant see it when looking in the mirror
i'm the girl who could like someone a lot
but make them think otherwise

but i'm also the girl who's open minded
who loves to play video games and play hacky sack
who eats like a dump truck
who would fall asleep in your arms
who you love you with all her heart
who would be there for you no matter what
who would always try to maek you smile
who will always succeed in making you smile
who wou never deny a hug
who you would want to spend your days with...


<3

the first of many

i found something fun to do;; ITS ME FROM A - Z!

A is for ALLSTAR!! i love them lots!
B is for BANAN-CAKES! those yummy delights are the shits! thanks to tommy!
C is for CAMERoN!! i like this kid ALOT! but really i'm a crush whore. which is another C word! haha!
D is for DARiA! one of the best shows to have EVER hit the air waves! that and DANE COOK!
E is for ELECTRIC GUITAR!! my favorite thing in my room. pink hello kitty fender to be exact. :D
F is for FRIENDS && FOOD!! two things that i love most in this world!
G is for GOOD TIMES!! its moments likes those that makes the world go round.
H is for HAKKY SACK!! its the new cult classic! and HELLO KITTY<3333
I is for iRRELEVENT RESPONSES. i love giving people answers that has nothing to do with their question.
example;; Q: "where did you get that shirt?"
A; "elephants can paint self portraits with their noses."
J is for JoSEPH CAYANAN!! one of my favorite people in the world! and the JONAS BROTHERS<33
K is for KELLOGS CORN FLAKES! i love them [:
L is for LOVE!! my favorite word and feeling<333
M is for MUSiC && MYSPACE!! need i explain more?! haha!
N is for NUTRi-GRAiN!! i could eat those everyday for the rest of my life! mixed berry of course! yummy!
O is for oCToPUS!! i dont know about you but those critters are tight! [did she just say "tight"?] haha!
P is for PEOPLE!! i'm a people person, i like everyone. just not all at the same time. haha! && POOP. which is a subject i like to talk about often.
Q is for QUiNSENG!! cameron is dope. hahaha!
R is for RAZOR SCOOTERS!! i miss those things!
S is for SEVENTEEN!! its my current age and my favorite magazine.
T is for THiS SHOULDNT BE LEGAL!! my favorite song from my favorite band. and TAYLOR SWIFT!! my favorite singer!
U is for URANUS!! the scientest who named this planet must have been demented..... or dane cook. :]
V is for VALENTINES DAY!! this day caused the birth of one of my favorite youtube videos ever!
W is for WHATEVER! cuz i usually do "whatever" i feel like doing at the time. =P
X is for X-MEN!! only cuz i couldnt think of a word that began with X and i'm a nerd.
Y is for YELLOW!! for some reason, whenever i see the color yellow, i get strangely happy.
Z is for ZOOs!! its a place where i like to spend my time!


there you go! i again provide you with useless information. take it home. chew it. poop it out later.
<3>

lesson learned

is it just me or are you tired of that emotional roller coaster that is life? one minute i'm not afraid of life and the next i'm terrified.... that last blog made me angry at myself. no more pussy shit. after last night, i'm not afraid to put myself out there and take chances. i shouldnt let my failures in life and love dictate my future. i'm going to be fine. and so are you. so smile darling, cuz we're gonna be alright.





<3

update.

i need to poop.





update of my update;;
i just pooped.
&& it felt good.




:]

inspiration at its finest.

it seems like these days my respect for people have been coming and going. i have lost respect for certain friends of mine who have done nothing but prove to me that they are not real friends of mine. on the bright side, i have found respect for people who truly deserve them. i was discussing this with my two best friends and they agree.

navarro really inspired me today. when he was talking to us in that small room, he was mostly looking at me almost as if he was just talking to only me. i could see the passion in his eyes and you can tell that his heart is in this. and when we were talking one on one, he really understood where i was coming from and he was the reassurance that i have been needing for a long time. i just wish i could tell him how much he really helped me today. today is one of those days in the year where i'm almost at the point of suicidal thoughts and he was the umbrella protecting me from the harsh rain of my insecurities. i cant tell him no matter how bad i want to, i dont even know where to begin looking for the words to describe how much talking to him means to me. he simply put his arm around me and i instantly felt better. and it was in that moment that i understood what he meant by what a simple act of kindness and showing someone you care can do to someone. if i could, i would tell him. but i think he'll find me weird or something. i needed someone to tell me i'm going to be fine, and navarro did that. everything he said to me today really inspired me and he described exactly how i felt about today's society and life in general. i wish he knew how much he means to me. and how much today means to me. cuz i've been thinking about what he said all day. it really stuck on me. i'm truly inspired.

another great man that i respect is mccrary. seeing him everyday puts a smile on my face and i can always count on him to warmly greet me every morning and he's making sure i stay healthy. he cares about me. and with how i've been feeling lately, i need it. everyday, i go in to see mccrary and he always gives me a hug and asks me how i'm doing even though he just saw me not even 24 hours ago. he's always concerned about my well being. he's kind of a dork but i love him for that.

i dont know what it is about friday the 13th. i expected to have a bad day seeing as how it is friday the 13th which is said to be an unlucky day. but today was probably one of the most inspiring days i've havd in a long time. but i must honestly say what truly made my day was navarro. being surrounded by people i truly respect is having a really positive effect on me. so i'm truly thankful for how today went. the loving lord blessed me with today that i pray will happen again. okay. this is waaaay too sappy and this has gone on for way too long.

god bless<3

update !

so today is where the hands on learning begins. and i couldnt be happier! heck yea! i sang acapella! whoa there. watch out! its not as scary as i thought. i recently learned i need to work on my posing. but whatevs! and we did our scene from mean girls today. i was gretchen. i wasnt really feeling in. so next week i'm gonna try regina out and see what happens. so i've made my core group at john robert powers and these girls are pretty awesome! man it would be amazing if they were in my monday classes. EPICNESS!


BREAK TiME!! shout out to fendi who i know is reading!


okay back to my story. i LOVE acting. i dont just love it. i'm IN LOVE with acting! yes, my first one true love and its not a dude. does that make me lesbo?! aha! okay so i have to prepare for next week's scene. and i must remember the golden rule..... actors NEVER pretend. makes sense?! so i have to bring in a tray and food. i can bring the food part! but i dont wanna bring in a tray! thats too weird! personally i like johnny better but dont tell debra! haha! this must be said again.... i love acting! =]


i'm babysitting again. so i wont be sleeping. even though i want to be right now!! ugh. i dont wanna go to class tomorrow. and i have to be there at 10 in the morning.... and my class doesnt start til 2. sucks much?!?! but i really cant comlain. i asked for this. i wanted this. and i will do whatever it takes to live my dream!


boo yah...... sucka!
=]

first time for everything.

this may be the first time in like EVER that i am the one missing the an exboyfriend. i feel like he was the only one i didnt do my best at being the best girlfriend. but i know its too late. i wish i gave it a real chance. i blame matt for this. even though i know in my heart that this is all my fault. he was probably the coolest boyfriend i ever had.

hard cold truth

- i like the jonas brothers because they've been to the year 3000.
- i like allstar because they they're ready to begin.
- i like FTSK because they dont mess with ladies.
- i like all time low because they make eating hot dogs look extra gay.
- i like honor society because they like to see people in the dark.
- i like paramore because they are born for this.
- i like taylor swift because she burned his picture.
- i like demi lovato because she still eats mcdonalds.
- i think girls who break the #1 girl code are shady.
- ex boyfriends who hide their new relationships are cowards.
- i think its safe to say, i dont like cold weather or the rain.

updateUPDATEupdate

i think its safe to say;; i love acting like i have never loved anything before. its so liberating and therapeutic. and with everything that has happened to me in this life, its pretty easy to put myself into any situation and any scene. i can put my mindset into exactly what is happening. and linda is really making me more confident in this business. she says that she'll get me an agent for sure! and that makes me really really happy. but what sucks is that i'm breaking out like crazy and i'm gaing weight. this part makes me sad. i think everyone can tell that i've put on so many pounds but they just dont wanna hurt my feelings. i have to buckle down now. i have to get in shape and i have to eat healthy. and i must clear up my skin pronto. cuz this is seriously not going to cut it. but i need help......


any suggestions?!

what the buck?!

yes i'm currently obsessed with michael buckley. you kinda have to admire someone who can talk really really fast and not stutter. he just puts a smile on my face and he's hecka funny. what i like most is that he's very honest and he's blunt about it. we need more people like him in the world. i'm thinkin.... michael buckley for president?! haha! oh what a world that would be. so i've been having a good week. monday went swell. tuesday was great. and today was fantastic! this week has taught me;; there are other things to do other than confine myself in woodshop! a lesson i'm happy to have learned.

today was really awesome because this was the first day i stuck to my diet! just two more days and i'm set! oh yea! why is dieting the HARDEST thing in the world?! i swear i'm like going mad crazy out of my mind. i havent really eaten since i got home from school. but that was because i slept the day away. i'm not anorexic. i eat a lot thanks. in fact i eat too much.

so what else i there to talk about? i guess my life really isnt that interesting. ooh ooh! term c is almost starting and i must say i like my new schedule. no more cranky pants old man!! yay! i'm really starting to hate the smeel of cigarettes and coffee.

okay. so i broke my diet just a little. i'm not eating junk food. but i am eating and its past 8 so... well they say your not supposed to eat three hours before you go to bed and i'll be sleeping late so i would be starving myself if i didnt. and lisa said not to eliminate. just cut down. so i'm only eating a little bit of rice and i'm drinking lots of water. i really dont know how diets work. so this to me is a great accomplishment. and besides. its mussels. and anyone who knows me quite well knows i have a weakness for shell foods. haha no not really. but what i do crave right now is korean sushi and dumplings. now those are some good yummies! actually i lied again. what i crave is my bed. but its being occupied right now so i cant go lie in it. oh the torture.

so what to do. what to do. so lately ive been observing people. i dont know why. i dont plan on trying to get something out of it or analyze them. but there were just things that i've noticed.

lets start with sickler. he breaks up with gloria. he hits on me. sends me another one of "those texts". i reject him. then the next day he gets back together with her. now we move on to gloria. sickler breaks up with her. she cries. he calls her up late at night and gets back togehter with him.
i have come to the conculsion;; sickler is a dog. and gloria is slightly retarded. she can do better. i know she can.

as we keep it in the leadership family, i'm going to jump over to lucina. she must have some loose bolt jumbling up inside her head. here's my reason;; i hang out with sickler. she tags along. then she takes sickler away from me and leaves with him without me. okay. so i hang out with erick. she loses interest in sickler. she tags along with me and erick. then she tried to ditch me again. atempt failed but nice try though! then i hang out with tommy. again, she tags along. but this time. i i choose to not hang out with tommy anymore. so now she just follows him and goes where ever he does. but little did she know, tommy ditched her to hang out with me.
conclusion;; she too is slightly retarded, and slightly pathetic. these were the freshmen momma warned you about! hahah!

lets leave 3rd period and move on to matt. he leaves me for another girl. he has the girl. and yet he is so concerned with the i <3 cameron written on my hand. suddenly i see him looking everytime a guy comes to hug me. he makes a face everytime he sees me with anthony or barco, or anyone other guy he doesnt know. oh apparently i'm dating barco. and his name is cameron. stupid little boy. there are only two good things that came out of my situation with matt;; i have found a love for taylor swift and it scares me how much i relate to all of her songs. and i discovered how strong i am as a person and i have found confidence in myself and my self esteem is actually above ground now.
conculsion;; matt is an idtiot and he is not gonna play me anymore.

this is kinda a chain reaction cuz right now we're heading onto anthony who is one of matts good friends. anthony is a cutie! he has woodshop with matt and i have developed a little crush on him. but i know i could never date him nor do i want to. he is so not my type and he is totally wrong for me but he's very fun to look at. lately anthony has been trying to get my attention. he hugs me comes over to me and hugs me whenever he sees me and he wonders where i'm at now that i dont go to woodshop anymore. and i loved the fact that he smiled when i told him me and matt were dunzo.
conclusion;; lydia is right. he is definitely attracted to me. but nothing is gonna happen.

i do believ this blog has gone on for way too long but i'm really bored and i need something to pass the time. wow. life is pretty boring at this moment. but this is the time where its okay to be boring. i really want to just lie in my bed and sleep. but i cant. =/ right now i'm listening to taylor swift. i really love how i can discover a song of hers and it will describe exactly where i'm at with matt;;

forever && always
should've said no
picture to burn
i <3 ??
white horse

i'm seriously obsessed. i'm listening to her songs constatnly. not only to i relate to her, but her songs are hella catchy. you cant really help but sing along. aha!

you know what i really love? when the person you like but hurt you comes back and tries to get you back. this ALWAYS happens to me. i know that sounds conceieted but it does. everytime i get rejected by someone they ALWAYS come back and tell me they want to be with me and they had it all wrong. so matt will be no different. why?! because i'm unforgettable. everytime an ex boyfriend fails yet another relationship, i know they think of me and they think of how good they had it. cuz i'm one hell of a girlfriend. and when matt gets annoyed of megan, he's gonna think of me and kick himself in the ass for leaving me. but its okay! cuz where will i be?!

i will be too busy being on tv, filming movies, and recording my taylor swift songs but with a demi sound. poor ex boyfriends, they will be seeing me everywhere. they'll be at home and my show comes on. and knowing them, theyre gonna watch it. when they take a girl out on a date, they'll be taking her to the movies. and what will she want to see? my summer box office hit of course! and though they will be watching the movie with someone else. they wont be paying much attention cuz all they'll be thinking about is how they had me. and they pray to God she wont find out. cuz they know she wont be too happy about that. honestly, how can any girl be okay with having to be compared to me? that sounds cocky but its true. but i wouldnt want to follow up after me either. haha! and when theyre in the car, they will turn on the radio and they will be hearing my voice telling a story. and they will listn carefully thinking it sounds very familar. thats when they realize, its about them. cuz i have written songs about all of them. haha! but i wrote the most about matt. so he will definitely be aware. cuz i play it like taylor swift. they include names. so when they are on their date,they will be turning the radio down.

so yea. i'm probably i jerk for thinking this way. but i'm happy when i hear how my ex boyfriends miss me and they regret losing me. honestly, that would make anyone feel good. and soon matt will be missing me and he will regret letting me go. i know he's thinking about me right now. he says he does. whats on my mind? haha! there's a lot. and yes i do stumble upon matt from time to time. but now its no longer angry thoughts. its just me knowing that i didnt do anything wrong. i was the best "girlfriend" he will ever have. megan cant compare to me. not even close. but really now its just the fond memories and the good times we shared. as it should be. =]

okay now this has REALLY gone on for way too long.
good night<3

crushCRUSHcrush

"In life and love, you learn that there comes a time to let go and move on. It's a lesson I learned recently."
- taylor swift

taylor swift has done it again

Wish I had concentrated
They said love was complicated
But it's something I just fell into
And it was overrated
But just look what I created
I came out alive, but I'm black and blue
Before you ask me if I'm alright
Think about what I
Had to do... yeah

Wake up and smell the break up
Fix my heart, put on my make-up
Another mess I didn't plan
And I'll bet you thought you beat me
Wish you could only see
I got an I Heart ?
Written on the back of my hand!

I'd be fine if you'd just walked by
But you had to talk about why
You were wrong and I was right
But I can't believe you made me
Sit at home and cry like a baby
Wait right by the phone every night
And now you ask about you and I
There's no you and I
Remember what you put me through
I had to...

CHORUS

And when you're home all alone at night
You'll still wonder why
You took everything I had, oh baby
I haven't thought about you and I
There's no you and I, and I know
Someday you will...

Wake up and smell the break up
Realize that we won't make up
It didn't go the way you planned!
And you'll know you didn't beat me
When you look down and see
I got an I Heart ?
Written on the back of my hand!

Written on the back of my hand!
An I heart ? yeah
Written on the back of my hand!

say what?!

what is this i hear?! jennie is over matt akin?! thats unheard of! but its very true. lesson learned. i need to find someone my own age. and she'll soon learn. he's just waste of time. so i saw chris today for the first time in like EVER! and he just made me smile this ridiculously big smile. now before you lecture me on jumping into things too fast.... save your breath. i dont have a boyfriend. i'm not going to have one anytime soon. i need to just sit back a breathe easy for a little while. he needs to do the same thing. but for now, he just makes me happy. but i just dont know what to do. cuz i kinda like this other guy. we all know where this is going. cameron...... he too makes me smile. but i know chris and i like spending time with him. he asked me to prom. and i think he's serious. or at least i hope he is. =] haha! i honestly thought i would never get over matt. and if i did i thought it would take a loooooooong time for me to move on. but i barely got over matt yesterday and now i like chris. is this another fendi? i hope not. i dont want what happened with me and fendi to happen with me and chris. but the difference between fendi and chris is i actually know chris. i didnt meet him over myspace and through a friend. it was natural and real. and in person! ha! i really dont know where this whole chris thing is going but all i know is i dont wanna ruin anything. please GOD dont let me ruin another friendship.

lets get random!

- josephcayanan is the best friend !
- my core four are all i need in this world.
- i enjoy music, movies, and making youtube videos.
- i'm the kind of person that actually wears a robe.
- black is the only color i will paint my nails.
- i dont like girls with fake blonde hair. =]
- i'm single and i'm actually liking it.
- the ultimate gift for me would be a purple schwinn cruiser or a mac book.
- i'd choose disney channel over mtv any day. =]
- the best look;; v neck // skinny jeans // converse
- i'm the girl who buys the same shirt in various colors.
- i'm the kid in the class who takes the pass to leave without telling anyone. no its not a ghost, i just have to pee.
- other than the jonas brothers, i would LOVE to meet ellen degeneres.
- i hate yogurt. but i love frozen yogurt!
- i love to laugh and smile at people.
- i like to say hi to strangers and pirate people!
- i'm the kid that asks stupid and random questions.
- i friggin love taylor swift. i relate to her songs its almost as if she wrote them for me.
- i'm actually listen to her as we speak.
- i'm team selena.
- i'm going to start working out one of these days i swear.
- i will never play second best to a guy EVER again.
- i will never sit and wait around for a guy EVER again.
- i like to write songs about people.
- i i dont like you, i will call you a fuck face turd.
- if i'm in a bad mood. watch yourself!
- if i like you, you'll know it.
- really anything makes me smile. give me a cookie and i'll light up faster than a glow stick.
- i dont like making decisions when i dont have to.
- therefore... i currently have crushes on five different guys at once.
- yes, i'm a crush whore! =]
- i like to clean my room for fun.
- ilikethiskidnamedchrishoodandithinkhesreallycool! =]
- more importantly, i dont like matt anymore. :D
- i had a great day today!
- not having a boyfriend is actually quite fun! i havent lived until right now.
- this has gone on for way too long.